Section I, Next Section

Prologue

Posted on Friday, 28-Aug-98

The lovers held each other's hands, contentedly swinging them back and forth as they strolled down to the end of the pier. A strong masculine frame and a small delicate one close together in body and soul knowing each other's thoughts, not needing to speak, only basking in each other's presence. When they reached the end the lady, for that is what she is, sat down and looked up at the young man who leaned against the and stared out to sea. She loved to look at him, the way his jaw was set, and the way his eyes squinted as he looked towards the horizon as if he was looking to the future. Their future. Anne loved this man who was standing so confidently next to her and she knew that he loved her too. Anne was perfectly happy.

The sun was setting when the young couple got up from their reverie and started back down towards the beach. The man placed his hand on the small of her back guiding his love towards the wooden stairs and to the soft sand below. It was growing dark now; the last remnants of the sun giving the sky a deep purple glow. Streetlights came on all at once throwing pools of light onto the sidewalks they protected. They walked to a large blanket that was spread out on the sand and sat down next to each other. Anne felt a strong arm wrap around her shoulders and she leaned into the embrace putting her head on Frederick's chest. Her Frederick.

"I never want this to end." He whispered softly. He reached up, took her chin gently in his hands and turned her head towards him. He looked earnestly into her eyes. "Anne, I'll be gone only a few short months. Please don't forget about me."

"I'll never forget you, Frederick. How could I when I love you so much it hurts when you're not near me?"

Frederick got on his knees in front of her and held Anne's shoulders "Promise me? Promise me you'll marry me when I return?" His voice was strained with emotion as he waited for her answer.

Anne's eyes filled with tears and her heart leapt, for Frederick wanted her. She would belong to someone who needed and loved her. "Yes, Frederick. Yes, I'll marry you. I promise." I promise. Frederick clasped Anne to him and held her tight. Anne repeated her promise to him and that night underneath a blanket of stars, Anne gave herself to her Frederick completely, binding them together forever. And Anne was only just nineteen.

"You can't be serious, Anne! Engaged! To whom? To some… nobody from nowhere? Anne I can't believe you'd ever settle for someone as low as that Frederick Wentworth, a sailor. Besides, you're only nineteen. How would it look if people read in Variety that Anne Elliot, my daughter, got married at nineteen? People would say that you were in trouble, Anne. Is that the reputation that you want to bestow upon us all? Anne, I want you to seriously consider this matter and think it through. You're over eighteen and I can't stop you, but so help me, if you marry that person now, I'll never leave you a penny. Not one penny, do you understand?"

"Oh, Anne, really. This is the most ridiculous news I've heard in a long time. What do you want to marry for? That's a thing of the past, it's nineteen ninety. No one gets married anymore. Why not just find someone to live with for a while. If it doesn't work out then you could always just move out and there's no messy divorce to go through.

"Anne Elliot, how can you think of getting married now? You're only nineteen! You haven't even been to college yet, you're whole future will be thrown away. What about your plans? Your dreams? What would your mother say if she knew you wanted to get married to a naval officer? Moving from base to base and you'd hardly ever see him anyway; he'd be at sea half the time. Her heart would break to see her favorite daughter thrown away to some bleak, miserable, lonely life. Is that what you want, Anne? Is it?"

Anne withstood these arguments day after day while Frederick was at Officers Candidate School. The only thing that fortified her was Frederick's letters but those came so rarely that Anne felt resolve slipping. If Frederick were here then she'd be able to listen to these petty arguments without much trouble, but Frederick was in Virginia, on the other side of the country and Anne soon allowed herself to be convinced that the best thing for her and for Frederick would be to wait. She told herself over and over that Frederick would be better off without a wife to worry about every time he went to sea and if he was without worries then he'd be able to concentrate on his career and who knows what he'll be able to do then. Anne was grief stricken at the thought of losing Frederick but knew not how to combat the daily pressures and insults from her family and dearest friend.

So, one day, before breakfast, Anne wrote Frederick a letter explaining that she could not keep her promise to him. She laid out her reasons but looking at them written out on the cold flat paper they seemed shallow and empty. Anne sealed her letter and her fate and walked to the mailbox. She quickly tossed it in and slammed the little door shut but kept a tight hold of the handle as she felt her knees buckle under her. She sank onto the ground and cried her heart out there on the sidewalk, holding onto that one little handle.

Anne was completely shattered.

Chapter 1

Posted on Monday, 31-Aug-98

The Elliots come from a long line of thespians. For as long as any Elliot has been able to recall they were always in the Theatre and it was just assumed that each generation would produce new talent to grace the stages of the world. An Elliot played opposite Bernhardt in Hamlet and received rave reviews. An Elliot was one of the pioneers of the film industry; but unfortunately couldn't make the transition from silent movies to talkies; his voice squeaked. And there was a vaudeville troupe called The Singing Elliots Plus One that played the Orpheum circuit. The family scrapbook handed down from generation to generation was filled with notices and reviews praising the prowess of whichever Elliot was in whichever production and was the treated as the family bible. Walter Elliot loved to pick up this heavy tome (now filling two volumes) and browse through the pages and read the deeds of his ancestors. Sometimes it was needed to lift his heavy spirits when a deal fell through and the part went to a more capable actor, "Although why they would want that wretched, shriveled-looking thing is beyond me, he can never stop squinting, look at the crows feet around his eyes!" They weren't as well known as the Barymores, but it was hard to overlook a large family of actors no matter how much one tried.

Some said that Walter Elliot was born for acting. He'd had a promising start but never quite reached his potential and no one felt that more keenly than Walter Elliot himself. He was still considered young and still as handsome as he ever was. Walter considered himself as leading man material, but out here in Beverly Hills, where leading men are a dime a dozen, Walter Elliot was only another has-been who never quite made it past B-grade movies.

Walter Elliot felt this disappointment bitterly. For him there was no star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, no tree-lined boulevard or roast beef sandwich named after him. Men almost twice his age were making movies and winning awards, look at Paul Newman, he was in his seventies for crying out loud. Marlon Brando, Robert Redford, all of them had movies and projects filling up their time, exposing themselves to the public, gaining the love and admiration of millions of fans. And where was Walter Elliot? Doing occasional cameos in short lived TV programs and appearing regularly on Hollywood Squares. And he wasn't even invited to be in the middle square where his still handsome face could be framed by the decrepit actors and mini-stars that made up the rest of the show. No, the center square was reserved for Hollywood's gay stars and Whoopi Goldberg while Walter Elliot was relegated to the side or worse, the upper corners.

The only thing that rescued him from total obscurity was his long deceased wife. Walter was fortunate enough to gain the love of a woman whose beauty equaled his own and whose intelligence far surpassed his mean understanding and who can only be accused of letting a short infatuation stymie her senses when she married Walter. Elizabeth Elliot was a rising starlet when she married and was capable of making something out of herself and her vain husband. She gave birth to three beautiful healthy girls and then just when things were looking up for Walter Elliot, Elizabeth died in the middle of the fall season, forcing him to cancel the new TV sitcom that starred both him and his now dead wife. Walter Elliot loved his wife, he truly did, but he loved his career too and he felt the loss of both of them tremendously. Walter tried to reschedule his show for the next season but he was rejected, the studio heads told him that without Elizabeth, there really was no show.

So Walter was stuck in Beverly Hills in a home that he could scarcely afford to keep up and forced to raise three daughters on his own. This was not as difficult as it first seemed. Boarding schools were readily available and surely some producer would offer him the role that would make him the star he deserved to be.

Walter was able to find jobs filming more B-grade movies and Love Boat shows, however, that only lasted as long as his popularity held up. After a while he was emceeing pageants and making appearances at malls. His most current project was a voice over for the up and coming Dreamworks cartoon and of course, Hollywood Squares.

The eldest, Elizabeth, stayed home to take care of their father and work. She was just sixteen when her mother died and she landed a job on a TV show that ran for several seasons with some success. Afterwards she opened her own chain of beauty salons and proceeded into the field of Business. Elizabeth was good at this because she was as cold-hearted as her father was vain. Catering to the spoiled rich kids of Beverly Hills, Elizabeth carved a niche for herself and now she was just starting to expand into fashion merchandising.

Anne, who was thirteen, and Mary, eleven, at the time of their mother's death, went to the Sacred Heart Academy, where they stayed until graduation, only coming home for holidays and summer breaks. Anne was devastated by the loss of her mother. She was the only one who seemed to understand Anne's gentle ways and nurturing spirit. Mary was kind enough but had the tendency to be cruel, often without even realizing it. Her father and sisters taught her that she was not worth much in their eyes, since she displayed no inclination for acting or singing or anything to do with Show Business. Anne did play the piano but did not strive to become a concert pianist so the talent was considered by the Elliots as wasted. Mary gained some artificial importance in the eyes of the family when she married Charles Musgrove, a young man working in computer animation. But Anne, with an elegance of mind and sweetness of character that would have placed her high with people of real understanding, was nobody with either father or sister; her voice had no weight, her convenience was always to give way. She was only Anne.

Anne didn't think that she would find anyone who'd learn to love her. Until she met Frederick Wentworth.

Chapter 2

Posted on Monday, 21-Sep-98

It was almost eight years after Anne gave Frederick up and Walter was now in serious financial straits. His luxurious home in Beverly Hills had gotten too much for him to afford, what with all the facials and manicures and hair appointments and tanning salons to pay for. Then of course, he had to pay the salary of the gardener and maid and cook that kept his house up the way his wife left it so many years ago. And his personal trainer also took out a huge chunk of Walter's funds. Walter discussed this with his friend and agent Mr. Clay, a respectable man who kept his ties to Walter for sentimental reasons.

The debate on how Walter should discharge his debts was a long arduous family meeting. Walter was determined that his creditors should be paid off but didn't know how to do it without seriously jeopardizing his comforts of everyday life. Elizabeth was called home and Mr. Clay was consulted and even Diane Russell, the Elliots' oldest friend, was asked. Diane Russell did the only thing that made sense and what no one else thought of doing; she consulted Anne.

Anne, knowing her father's extravagance, long expected his day to come and was only thankful that he wasn't in trouble with the IRS. She drew up a financial plan that if followed would clear her father's name in several years. Diane saw the merit in Anne's plan and immediately showed it to Walter. Walter was livid. What? Give up his trips? His spa treatments? His yoga lessons? Every comfort of life to be given up and then go to rack and ruin? Never! Walter refused to consider the plan. And they were back to square one.

Mr. Clay suggested that selling the Elliot Estate, as Walter himself dubbed it, would be the only means of escaping financial ruin and bad press. At first, Walter vehemently opposed such a measure, his daughters would suffer if he should die and leave them with no home to go to. No object to hold dear. Mr. Clay calmly pointed out that his daughters were now grown and moved out, and one was even married, so they could not want for a home. Walter saw the wisdom in this but was reluctant to such a step. Finally they reached a compromise, Walter would rent out his home to a couple who didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, have pets, kids, or waterbeds, or partied too hard. Mr. Clay was hard pressed to find such a couple in California, let alone Beverly Hills, who filled every one of these requirements, but find them he did.

Mr. and Mrs. Croft were the just the couple that Walter was looking for, respectable, handsome enough to give him credit, and rich enough to afford Walter's exorbitant rent. The Crofts were enchanted with the Elliot Estates for indeed it was elegant and simple, much the way Walter's wife left it, and agreed almost immediately to the terms. And all in all, considering that it was Beverly Hills, the price was reasonable.

Soon, Walter's things were packed and the Crofts' were brought in. The boxes of old magazines and news clippings and signed photographs and the treasured scrapbook were moved out to his new townhouse in Burbank while the Crofts' family pictures and kitchen supplies and linens moved in. Walter felt his deprivation but was he inspired to cut back on his spending or driven to find a steady job? No, not really. Walter was as Walter had always been.

Anne heard the news with equanimity and resignation however there was a stirring flutter around her stomach and a tightening around her heart. It was impossible that there could be two sets of Crofts bearing the same descriptions as the ones she had heard so much of eight years ago. That it was the same Croft she had no doubt. But knowing that soon, very soon, Frederick might be visiting his sister and brother-in-law, perhaps sleeping in what was her old room gave her a distinct feeling of uncomfortableness. She needed time to think and resign herself to it.

It was probable that Frederick was out to sea or not even stationed on the West Coast however, it was just as likely that he was close by and ready to pay a visit too. Anne went for a long long walk to try to get her thoughts straight. The odds that his sister would rent her father's house were just incredible and Anne almost laughed at the idea of it but she was checked by the fluttery feelings in her stomach. She walked as far as her memories would take her and then stopped to sit down. It was useless to run away from it, she would never forget.

It was during Anne's freshman year at UCLA where she met and fell in love with the handsome senior just applying for acceptance at OCS. He was, at that time, a remarkably handsome man, with a great deal of intelligence, spirit, and brilliancy; and Anne an extremely pretty girl, with gentleness, modesty, taste, and feeling. Half the sum of attraction, on either side, might have been enough, for he had nothing to do, and she had hardly anybody to love.

They met quite by accident. Anne's lovely face and good nature immediately charmed Frederick and Anne was struck by Frederick's broad shoulders. Literally. Frederick was trying to catch a football on the green and bumped into her. Anne's armload of books dropped and sheets of paper scattered everywhere. They spent the next half-hour running after flying lecture notes tumbling homework papers. They went for a cup of coffee as college students were apt to do and they spent a quiet evening watching people walk by their window seat. Frederick asked her out on a date and Anne accepted. That was it. That was all it took. A few months later Frederick proposed and Anne said yes.

The rest was only known to five people: Anne, Frederick, Walter, Elizabeth, and Diane Russell. The short period of happiness that followed Frederick's proposal was shattered by Anne's being persuaded to let him go. Anne remembered her inconsistency bitterly. It wasn't that she was unhappy, but then she couldn't quite say she was at peace with herself either. She was stuck in a complacent sort of monotony that felt safe but Anne knew in her heart that there would have been more to life than this if only she had held out long enough.

Anne went back to college in the fall semester and after much hard work, in three years she graduated with a double major in social sciences and psychology and Anne found consolation in her job as a social worker.

Anne had cause for regret but she did not let it run her life and make her bitter. She was a naturally cheerful person in her own way however, it was counteracted by years of living with Walter and Elizabeth which gave her the habit of keeping her thoughts to herself. Upon first meeting Anne some people thought she was constrained; but, when they got to know her better, those same people found a scintillating personality and intelligent mind hidden beneath that layer of reserve.

She dated off and on throughout the years but it never led to anything more than friendship. One of those gentlemen who sought Anne was Charles Musgrove who lived across the street from Walter in a bungalow on his parents' property. They dated sporadically but he sensed that Anne was just not into it and so the relationship petered out. Eventually he married Anne's sister, Mary. Anne held no resentment for that, indeed she felt most happy for her sister and loved to visit them and her two nephews.

Anne thought about the years that had gone by. Almost eight long lonely years. Was it possible that it had been so long? Anne supposed that it must be true since she was eight years older but she didn't feel any different. It took Anne only a few moments to realize that eight years seems but a day when it came to her heart. She'd tucked him away in there to be taken out only in moments like this, when he was thrust upon her unexpectedly, for she preferred him to be out of sight instead of haunting her.

Anne slowly walked home and did the inevitable. She would put in a tape and sit on the couch and morosely listen to the songs that tore her heart out, following the routine that evolved over the years when thoughts of Frederick became too much for her. To tell the truth Anne was sick of it; sick of all the torture she put herself through over someone who was long gone from her life. Why couldn't she let him go? What did she keep hanging on like this, it's been eight years, there's no need to do this to herself. She asked herself the same questions every time but was never able to get a satisfactory answer. Once started Anne could only indulge and so, when she got home she plunked her things down on the table and went to the tape player. There was a cassette that she kept for just such a purpose, with songs that seemed to be written for her, and Anne picked out the song that reminded her so much of the day at the mailbox and the life she willingly threw away. She put the tape in and sat on the couch ready to remember, get it over with. Frederick would be here and she must learn to see him again, this time with indifference, but for now she would indulge, hopefully for the last time, in those memories that wouldn't go away.

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Reflected in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Once the world was new
Our bodies felt the morning dew
That greets the brand new day
We couldn't tear ourselves away
I wonder if you care
I wonder if you still remember
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

And when the music plays
And when the words are
Touched with sorrow
When the music plays
I hear the sound
I had to follow

Once upon a time
Once beneath the stars
The universe was ours
Love was all we knew
And all I knew was you
I wonder if you know
I wonder if you
Think about it
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams

Once upon a time
Once when you were mine
I remember skies
Mirrored in your eyes
I wonder where you are
I wonder if you
Think about me
Once upon a time
In your wildest dreams*

Anne felt the tears roll down her cheeks as the melody faded out then reached over and turned the player off. There was no need for any more, she knew the songs by heart and besides she must now steel herself for that inevitable meeting because of course they must meet, she was at Mary's house all the time baby-sitting her nephews and the neighborhood was small for Beverly Hills. They would meet and meet frequently. This whole situation was ludicrous in her mind. What she was doing now was ludicrous. Anne got up suddenly and wiped the tears from her eyes. That's it. I'm finished with him. She took the tape from the cassette player and threw it into the trash can. I'm not going to do this to myself any more.

Anne went to bed that night convincing herself that she believed it.

* By the Moody Blues and what got me thinking about writing this story.

Chapter 3

Posted on Saturday, 03-Oct-98

It was Saturday and tonight Anne would have to go to her sister Mary's house to baby-sit, but first she would have to go to her father's house and pick up a stray box that got left behind. It was filled with some of Anne's old high school things as well as objects that belonged to her mother that no one else wanted. Walter left it when he moved, and Mary didn't volunteer to bring it across the street to her place; so it was up to Anne to go to her old home, knock on the door and be greeted by people she'd once hoped to be related to.

Anne slowly pulled up into Mary's driveway and parked the car. She got out and walked across the street, noting some slight changes that the Crofts made to the front of the house. Trying not to disturb the peacefulness of the atmosphere, Anne knocked softly on the massive door. Waiting seemed like an eternity and she was about to knock again when a boisterous smiling man flung the door open.

"Well, what have we here? You must be Anne, to pick up that box, right? Come in. Come in!" Before Anne could get a word in, she was ushered into the hallway as Thomas Croft called for his wife. "Sofie! She's here! Walter's daughter. Come and meet her." He led her to the living room and insisted that she sit down on a huge couch that seemed to swallow her up. He looked her up and down. "Well, you're much different than the rest of your family. Not at all like them. They are a bit on the showy side but you're a breath of fresh air. Yes, you are." Anne couldn't help but smile.

"Thomas, stop pestering the girl and let her relax." Sofie Croft walked into the room and gave Anne's hand a hearty shake. "How do you do, I'm Sofie. Very pleased to meet you." She appraised Anne and agreed with her husband. "No, not a bit like them." Then recovering herself she changed the subject. "How do you like the place? You can see we changed some things, painted, put up different curtains and the like. Would you like to take a look around?" Anne declined the offer and spoke of the neighborhood for a while until Sofie remembered that Anne was there to pick up her things. "Well, silly me, I forgot all about it. We put it in the third bedroom on the left, if you just want to run up there, and Thomas will carry it out for you. I need to go into the kitchen for a second." Anne and Thomas got up and walked down the hallway towards the bedrooms.

"We are very pleased with the neighborhood so far. The Musgroves are very nice people and I believe the Young Mrs. Musgrove is your sister, am I right?" Anne nodded her head but didn't have time to speak. "We'll be expecting a guest of our own pretty soon, Sofie's brother. Frederick should be here almost any minute; he's on leave right now to pay us a visit. He's in the Navy and will spend some time with us…" Thomas droned on but Anne lost track of what he was saying at the mention of Frederick's name.

She went into the room. The bed was made and the curtains were drawn back. Anne heard Thomas telling her that it was a good thing that she was here because this was where they were going to put Frederick and all of Anne's horrors came back to her because this used to be her room. Frederick used to stand outside the window by the cedar tree after their dates and wait patiently until her light was turned off before he went back to campus. He'll know this room, he'll remember that it was mine. Anne's stomach churned. Numbly she grabbed the box and lifted it, but Thomas took it from her and started to carry it out when the phone rang. Thomas expected Sofie to pick it up, but it kept on ringing, so Thomas put the box down and excused himself. Anne was left standing in the room wondering if she should wait for Thomas or just pick up the box and leave. She was all for leaving, when she took another look at her old room. Everything was different. The walls were a different colour, the furniture different, the curtains; everything was changed from the way it used to be. Anne suddenly felt as if she never existed. She got the desire to leave something behind, something to prove that she was here.

Quickly, Anne went to the window and pulled back the curtains to reveal a bottom corner. She looked around to make sure that no one was near and then took off the ring her mother gave her for her birthday. It was small and delicate but it had a diamond and that diamond would cut glass. As quietly and quickly as she could, Anne etched her initials into the glass. Then on an impulse she added Frederick's initials below hers. She blew the dust away and examined her work. It was big but unless you knew it was there it was practically invisible. She felt silly, but deep down she wanted Frederick to remember her as fondly as she remembered him. Chances are he'd never see her act of vandalism, but she felt better just the same. Anne put the curtain back and grabbed her box and left her room, Frederick's room, and walked into the hallway.

"Ah I see you found it!" Anne jumped when she heard Sofie come up behind her. "I'm sorry dear, I didn't mean to frighten you. Thomas is still on the phone but he should be off any minute if you want to wait for him to carry your things for you."

"No, I thank you, but it's not heavy and I only have to go across the street. I appreciate your keeping this for me." Anne got to the front door. Dimly she could hear a car pulling up outside. Please, G-d, not Frederick, not now. Anne balanced the box on her knee and grabbed the doorknob. She could hear the soft crunch crunch of footsteps coming up the walkway. Let it be the pizza boy. She twisted the doorknob. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Sofie, I hope you'll be very happy here." Anne opened the door and came face to face with Frederick.

He seemed to fill up the doorway, and to a stranger it would look like he didn't recognize her, but Anne could tell by the red flush of his neck and the way his mouth tightened in a grim line that he knew who she was. Anne's face grew hot as his gray eyes met hers. She tried to pull away but couldn't tear her eyes off him. It'd been so long, so long since she last gazed at him that all the memories that she resolved to lock up came rushing back. Anne wanted him to say something, to hear the sound of his voice. Would it be the same or would it be different? Why doesn't he say something? Why does he just stand there? What is he thinking? Anne inhaled deeply to clear her mind; she caught the faint scent of his cologne. It was the same cologne that she'd given him for his birthday eight years ago. Oh G-d he still wears it! He hasn't changed! Anne felt the box slipping from her grasp.

Anne let go of the doorknob and struggled keep the box from falling. Finally after much embarrassment, Anne got it under control. Frederick didn't move or offer his assistance, but just watched as Anne frantically righted her burden. Not even a minute passed since Anne opened the door, but she felt that she knew his sentiments already. He hasn't forgiven her and he never would. He wanted to be as far away from her as possible. Anne lifted her chin and squared her shoulders. She wouldn't humiliate herself in front of him. He didn't need to know that she still loved him.

"Frederick, you're just in time! Will you help Anne? She only needs to go across the street." Sofie seemed oblivious to the struggle going on between the two people in front of her; she attributed Frederick's demeanor as weariness from the drive and Anne's as shyness. Frederick only moved out of Anne's way enough so she could squeeze by.

"No!" Anne uttered the word louder than she meant to before she recovered herself. "No, that's all right. I can manage on my own. It's not heavy at all just a bit… awkward. Good day, Sofie. Frederick." Anne brushed past him and shivered when they came into contact. She glanced back at Frederick and saw the look of his eyes and hastily walked away from the house. Oh G-d, why did I have to see him again? Anne crossed the street before she dared to look back. Frederick and Sofie were still standing in the doorway watching her, Sofie was smiling and talking to Frederick, but Anne could see that he wasn't paying attention to his sister. He was staring fiercely at Anne, boring a hole into her. Anne turned away from him and walked towards her sister's house. Now that the first meeting was over she knew how to act around him.

And I still love him so much!

Chapter 4

Posted on Thursday, 29-Oct-98

Author's Note: I want to say a big thank you to Carol, Pushy Broad Extraordinaire, for her support and patience and guidance. Without whom, I would still be stuck on chapter two. So blame her. ;) Mwah!

Frederick leaned back in the bed and closed his eyes, willing the image of Anne's stricken face to go away. But his years of training and forced forgetfulness could not overcome the suddenness of seeing her again after so long. He groaned softly. Why did she have to be there? He didn't want to see her. Aside from some curiosity he had no desire to be in her presence again. Not after the pain she gave him long ago. She'd crushed him. Only randomly, during moments of weakness, thoughts of her would still seep in and fill his heart with longing and tenderness but always there was the knowledge that Anne, his beloved Anne, took his love and esteem and returned it with pain and humiliation.

Always, in the back of his mind, he would remember her as the lovely girl he ran into on the green. She looked so feminine and delicate. Frederick felt like a clumsy ox next to her and he was afraid that she might have been hurt after he ran into her like a clumsy fool. She only looked up at him and smiled a wide sincere smile, then broke into a sweet laugh that sounded like bells tinkling. She had green eyes. As he helped gather her things up, he furtively looked in one of her books. Her name was written in a fine slanty hand in black ink. Anne. Her name was Anne.

Frederick and Anne went everywhere together. Soon rumours began to circulate about them. Frederick ignored those who questioned him about Anne's eagerness and virtue. He turned violent when those remarks turned salacious and nasty. More than one young man, eager for details that seemed a sort of right between men talking about their latest girlfriends, came away from these encounters with bloody noses and blackened eyes. Soon they all learned to avoid any mention of Anne in front of Frederick. He would not let anyone talk of Anne that way. They didn't understand that Anne was special; someone to cherish and love, not some plaything. She was all modesty and integrity. She was Anne.

Frederick tossed and turned trying to get a comfortable position anywhere on the bed, but try as he might every bump and coil seemed to grind into him. There was no getting around it. He must show Anne that he no longer cared for her. He persuaded himself of that years ago but never had the chance or inclination to put himself under the strain of actually seeing her. The pain and humiliation he had suffered was still just as acute as when he first opened up her letter that crushed his hopes of marrying her. Frederick clenched his fists as he remembered that day.

The Staff Sergeant called out Frederick's name and handed him a couple of letters. One was from his sister and the other was from Anne. He tucked Anne's letter into his blouse pocket to save for last and opened Sofie's first. It was full of the usual news and made Frederick smile, but he wasn't really concentrating, he wanted to get to Anne's letter as soon as possible. He ripped it open and breathed it in, but the soft fragrance that accompanied her letters was missing. Frederick frowned and unfolded the letter.

Frederick read and reread the letter. His brain told him that his eyes were deceiving him, that what was written on the letter was not real. His heart told him that someone was playing a cruel joke on him. But it was real and the one playing the cruel joke was his own Anne. Frederick crumpled the letter in his fist and stood up. He looked wildly around. Finally his rage got the better of him and he kicked over his bunk, sending the beds sprawling into the aisle that separated the room. The few men in the room looked at him strangely but he didn't see them. Frederick still felt the hurt. He turned with his fist balled tight and punched his locker, denting it.

"WENTWORTH!" His bunkmate called out but Frederick did not hear him. He only heard the breaking of his heart. He needed to cool off before he destroyed the whole barracks.

Frederick stalked his way to the showers. He turned the water on over his head and let the coldness run over his body, seeping through his uniform. Frederick gasped for breath and slid down to his knees, his head hung down. He stayed there for an hour, not moving, his clenched hand grasping the letter that broke him. He crushed it in his fist just like it crushed him. The sodden letter turned into a pulpy mass; Anne's last words blurred and ran turning into blue droplets of water that dripped onto the shower floor, mingling with the pieces of his heart that lay shattered at his knees and washed in a spiral down the drain.

Chapter 5 ~ Conversations

Posted on Friday, 30-Oct-98

"Anne, I'm so glad you came over today. I wish you'd come earlier, because Charles left me here all alone, and I'm sure I've picked up a bug somewhere." Mary lounged on the sofa with an ice mask over her eyes. "You know how colds affect me. And the boys have been terrible this morning, so I sent them over to Grandmother's house for the day. I don't know what I would have done with them, if Charles' parents didn't live so near." Mary took off the ice mask and sat up. "I must say you look odd. Just pale all over. I hope you're not going to get sick. I just got this carpet cleaned." Mary got up and turned the TV on.

Anne sighed and was glad that she already put the box in the trunk of her car. She didn't feel up to Mary and her illnesses tonight. "I'm sorry you're feeling bad, if I'd known I would have been here sooner." Anne fluffed the pillow thinking that she should have known since Mary was always 'sick'. "Shall I go get Walter and Charlie? I'd love to see them and I should be going soon."

"Ohhhh, if you like, Anne. But you know they are so rambunctious and loud. I don't know if they should be around when I have my sick spells." Mary drawled lazily. She picked up a nail file and started to file her nails. "Are you going so soon? Very well, if you must. I wish people didn't abandon me whenever I show the first sign if a cold." Mary tossed the file away and flopped back down on the couch. "Those boys are going to throw this house in an uproar, if you bring them back. I'm sure they have ADD or hyper something or other, but the doctor won't listen to me. No one ever does. I keep telling him that if they weren't so hyperactive, I'd be able to handle them, but he just laughs at me. Really, I should change pediatricians." Mary put the mask back on as Anne walked out the door, leaving her sister to flip through the channels before deciding on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

"Anne!" A beaming, tired face and open arms greeted Anne as she walked through the back door into the Musgrove domicile. Anne always felt a warmth overcome her when she was with the Musgroves. They were always such a happy family that if Anne were any other person, she would be quite jealous. As it was, Anne was Anne and she felt happy to be a part of their extended family.

"Anne, thank goodness you're here," exclaimed Mrs. Musgrove as she gave her a hug and a kiss. "Walter and Charlie are running wild, and I have no idea what to do with them. Come here and look what they did to my kitchen. Just look! Crayons markings all over the place. They must think this is a monkey house. I do wish you'd talk to Mary about her kids. I love them with all my heart, but if she'd only take the time to discipline them, I wouldn't have to scrape crayons off my kitchen walls. What am I going to do with them?" Mrs. Musgrove let out a heavy sigh of exasperation before calling out to her grandsons. "Waaaaalteeer! Charlieeeeee! Aunt Anne is here!"

Heavy thumping and scrapping sounds followed this announcement, and soon the little boys ran in the desecrated kitchen and clung onto their favorite aunt. Anne was soon overpowered and they tumbled onto the floor.

"See what I mean? If Mary would take the time out and give them good and proper exercise, they wouldn't be so wild about the house." After giving her nephews all the hugs and kisses they would allow, Anne extracted herself from the arms and legs of the boys and stood up.

"How are Lori and Helen? Are they back yet?" Anne managed to interject between howls from the boys and not so subtle hints about her sister.

"Oh! Oh yes, they've been back for two days now and have asked about you. They're out shopping now but they should be back soon. I'm so happy they decided to go to the same college. It makes me feel that they are safer being together and not so homesick. I just wish it were closer to home. Charlie! You naughty boy, stop that this instant!" Anne felt it was time to leave so she kissed everyone good-bye and left the monkey house that was the Musgroves' kitchen and wandered back to her car.

Charles was just pulling up when Anne walked out of his parent's house and he hailed her. "Anne! It's so good to see you. Are you coming or going?" Charles leaned out the window but didn't wait for an answer. "I hope Mary isn't too sick today. She was upset because I went to target practice. I don't know how she'll react when I tell her that I signed up for concealed handgun classes. She'll probably go into hysterics or something. She thinks I'm going mistake her for a burglar and blow her head off someday. But, really when you're living in LA you have to have a gun. There's just no getting around that. I have a friend who was shot at on the freeway, and he's carried a gun ever since. And I must protect my family."

Anne just smiled and nodded. Charles and Mary had an ongoing feud about guns in the house, and Anne learned to stay out of it, but that never stopped Charles or Mary to canvass her for support.

"So you're off? OK, well have a safe drive back and remember to drive defensively! You can never be too careful these days with all the maniacs out there." Charles rolled up the window and drove on towards his house.

Anne waved good-bye and slowly walked back to her car, trying to occupy her thoughts with active nephews and hypochondriac sisters and over-protective brother-in-laws, but it would not do. Her thoughts kept wandering back to her old room across the street and the etching she made in the glass window. And Frederick.

"Did Frederick seem distracted to you, my dear?" Mrs. Croft asked her husband when they retired for the night.

"No, I don't think so. He seemed a bit tired though. It is a long drive from San Diego and you know how traffic is on the 405." Thomas closed the book he was reading and put it on the nightstand.

"Hmmm, no, it was different than that. He wasn't yawning or sleepy-eyed; he was just, out of it. Do you think he's all right?" Sofie smoothed down the blanket over her husband's shoulders and lay her head down on the pillow.

"I'm sure he is. He looks healthy enough. I guess the Navy treats him well, and he has a nice long leave to spend with us now that he's back from the Pacific." As he kissed his wife a new thought occurred to him. "Perhaps he's lonely. I think it's time for him to find a wife. It would be nice for him to have someone to come home to at night. Someone like my darling Sofie."

Sofie rewarded him with a smile and wrapped her arms around him. "That's sweet of you to say, but I think that Frederick might have someone different in mind than his darling older sister. But you're right, he needs someone. Frederick shouldn't be alone." Sofie reached over Thomas' head and turned out the light. She stroked his hair. "I love you, Thomas."

Thomas kissed his wife. "I love you too, Sofie. I'm so lucky to have you."

"Yes, I know."

Chapter 6

Posted on Monday, 30-Nov-98

Anne walked into her apartment and threw the keys on the table. Her answering machine was beeping importantly. Anne ignored it and got herself something to drink instead. Most likely it was Mary complaining about something and Anne didn't feel like dealing with it right then. She kicked off her shoes and stretched out on the couch trying to relax.

The telephone rang jarring Anne out of her reverie. Sighing, Anne picked it up and wearily said hello. The frantic voice that answered her made Anne sit up.

"Anne! Where have you been? We've called and called. Didn't you get our messages?"

"Lori? What happened? Are you all right? Are you hurt?" Anne felt a knot build up in her stomach. Did something happen to Dad?

"Yes, it' me. I'm at the hospital with Mary and Charles and everyone else." The knot in Anne's stomach tightened as she envisioned a four-car pile up. "It's little Charlie. He fell out of a tree this afternoon and broke his arm."

Anne let out a sigh of relief. "Is he OK?" Lori, I'm going to ring your neck for giving me such a fright. "Is that all that's broken?"

"Yes, he's fine, but Mary pulled such a fit that the doctors threatened to hold her overnight for observation." Lori almost giggled. "Anyway, would you be able to come over tonight? Mary is starting to get in one of her moods, and Mom doesn't think she'll be able handle both the boys and Mary tonight."

"Yes, I'll be over in just as soon as I change. Thanks for calling, Lori." Anne said good-bye and hung up the phone. She played the phone messages as she changed out of her work clothes. They got more and more panicked with each new message. Anne marveled at the way the Musgroves tended to blow things out of proportion. But that's one of the things that made them Musgroves and her sister Mary fit right in. Anne packed a bag just in case.

That Weekend.

Anne sped down the 405 with a sinking feeling in her stomach she was being left behind. Everyone she knew seemed to be going forward at the speed of light, but she felt trapped in a standstill. The traffic didn't help her analogy any, it was backed up again and she was due in twenty minutes at Mary's house. She got off at Wilshire and headed towards Beverly Hills. Anne turned the radio up to block out her thoughts.

Crack that whip!
Give the past the slip.
Step on a crack…
Break your momma's back

When a problem comes along
You must whip it.
Before the cream sits out too long
You must whip it.
When something's going wrong
You must whip it.

Frederick had been visiting Sofie and Thomas for a week and everyone was thrilled with him. That's how the women described it. They were thrilled. Mrs. Musgrove was thrilled with his manners. Lori and Helen were thrilled with his looks and charm. Even Mary was thrilled. Mary never got a thrill from anything.

Now whip it…
Into shape!
Shape it up…
Get straight!
Go forward!
Move ahead!
Try to detect it!
It's not too late…
To whip it!
Whip it good!*

And now to delight of all, the Musgroves invited the Crofts over for dinner and "if Frederick would like to come that would be just wonderful." Anne had been invited of course, but Anne agreed to baby-sit because Mary was adamant that Charlie was on the brink of death and the nanny wasn't as capable as Anne. Charlie was doing just fine but Anne humoured her. In fact, she'd rather play nursemaid to her nephew than sit at the dinner table forcing herself to smile and be polite while her insides were churning.

Anne waited at the light on Mulholland Drive. As much as she loved her nephews, Anne finally knew why she agreed to baby-sit tonight. She couldn't stay away. Frederick was acting like a magnet and Anne could not resist his pull. Anne wondered if Frederick knew how much it hurt her to be so near him but not touch his face or kiss his lips or just look at him without feeling that pain deep inside her heart. The light changed and Anne floored it. Things could be worse, she thought. At least he's not married.

Frederick slid his belt through the loops and buckled it. He still had a surreal feeling about his whole situation. It was as if he and Anne reversed roles somehow. Sometimes he would walk into a room or down the hall and he could sense her. Small inconsequential things would stand out like black against white and the discomfort of it made him regret he'd ever come to visit his sister at all. The atmosphere of the house had changed a lot since his sister moved in but the ghosts were still there. Teasing him. Taunting him with stale and faded memories. Anne was all around him and it was eating his gut. I have three more weeks until my leave expires and I'm going nuts.

He heard a car slow down and pull up to the Musgrove's driveway. Frederick went to the window and pulled back the curtain. It was Anne. He watched the car turn up the drive and disappear from view into the lane that separated the two houses. Anne would not be at dinner, which was a blessing. He didn't know if he could eat with her sitting close by. How close was too close? Inches? Feet? Miles? Frederick let the curtain drop back into place and went downstairs. The Musgroves were nice people. And they weren't in town the year he and Anne were together. No one knew, and that's the way he wanted to keep it. He could behave confidently if no one suspected the past.

"Oh, Anne, the Crofts are such delightful people. I'm so glad they moved into our old house. To tell you the truth Dad should have rented the place out years ago. And Frederick Wentworth was so handsome. He's in the Navy you know, a Commander or Lieutenant or something. I wonder what would have happened if I were single…" Mary let the thought trail off as she kicked off her shoes. Anne smiled to herself, You wouldn't stand a chance, Mary dear.

"Oh well, it doesn't matter, I'm married and what's done is done. But Helen thought he was to die for. He must have liked her too because he didn't stop talking to her the whole evening. Oh, he did say something about knowing you a little bit. I didn't know you met Frederick before. Anne you should have said something to me about it. I was taken completely by surprise and I was so embarrassed afterwards that I couldn't eat dessert. But that's the way it is, I'm always the last to know anything. Anyway, when I asked him about you, he just said that he wouldn't have known you again, so I guess you couldn't have been very close then, could you?"

Anne was incredulous. Not know me again? Who is he kidding?

Anne left Mary and went to check on the sleeping boys. She met Charles just coming out of their room. "They're sleeping peacefully. How do you do it? They are just happy and worn out when you are here. I hope Charlie wasn't too much trouble for you." Charles closed the door to the kid's room and walked Anne down the hall. "We met the new people that rented your old house. Very nice. He has a hunting lodge in the mountains somewhere. She's very sweet too. Very sensible. She doesn't mind that he keeps guns in the house. I should have her talk to Mary. There's a brother of hers staying with them for a while. I think Lori has a crush on him already. You know how she gets." Charles sat down on the divan and propped his feet up. "Don't you think Mr. Wentworth was quite smitten with Lori, my dear?" Charles asked his wife.

"Lori! Well maybe she was smitten with him, but she shouldn't get her hopes up. He and Helen were just inseparable the whole evening. I think that's where you should start looking if you want to see a couple, Charles. Really!" Mary rubbed her temples and started complaining about headaches and overeating. Anne got her some Tylenol and water then said her good-byes. She didn't want to stick around to mediate this particular argument. She wondered how sincere either of their statements were. Of course Lori and Helen would like Frederick, but how much would Frederick like them? Unless his entire disposition had changed Anne felt that he would only regard them as friendly neighbors and no more. She knew his tastes in women far better than anyone in the world but could not be sure of what that meant for her. He'd only admitted to having a nodding acquaintance just so they wouldn't have the pain and embarrassment of being introduced to each other.

Anne backed down the drive and pulled out into the street. Sofie and Thomas were just crossing and waved for her to stop. Anne rolled down the window with a smile and listened to their fun and witty chatter about dinner. They were just as pleased with their new neighbors as could be. Nothing was said about Lori or Helen but they did regret that Anne wasn't part of the party.

"You'll have to come out and visit us sometime. We need someone to keep Sofie and Frederick company." Thomas said with a twinkle in his eye. Anne smiled but didn't say anything. Keeping Frederick Wentworth company was impossible.

Frederick loomed up like a dark shadow behind his sister and nodded distantly at Anne. The smile faltered a little as she said hello to him. She told the Crofts that she would probably be back next weekend and she might see them then. She hoped that Frederick would understand this to mean that she would like to see him again. She glanced anxiously at him but couldn't bring herself to make eye contact with him. Instead she looked at his mouth and the line of belligerence that seemed to be ever present. Anne sighed. She was being foolish. Perhaps she would not come up next weekend after all. Perhaps it would be best to stop dreaming. Anne put her car in drive and waved good-bye. She drove off watching Frederick in her rearview mirror. He walked slowly across the street and into the house. He didn't even look at her.

It occurred to Anne, while she was driving away, that despite her awkward attempts at conversation she had yet to hear one word from Frederick's lips. She ached that he didn't try to make an overture of friendship at the very least.

Anne knew she was kidding herself. Friendship was too much and not enough for either of them. It was either all or nothing. And Frederick chose nothing.

* Whip it by Devo

Chapter 7

Posted on Wednesday, 02-Dec-98

It is a truth universally acknowledged that in case of a family emergency, Anne was the one to be called first. It is also a truth that Anne was called much oftener than these emergencies existed.

Anne did go back to Mary's house the next weekend, not out of any hope she got from Frederick, but from being called into duty from her sister. She spent a restless evening with her nephew, who was getting sick of being still, and a tiring night with Mary and Charles and an endless game of Rummy. Someone finally reached one thousand at eleven o'clock, and Anne trudged upstairs to bed. She was glad that she could be of use to her family, but sometimes she wished she'd gotten paid for it.

Saturday was bright and cheerful, sending in rays of dappled sunshine floating through the break of the curtains and falling gently onto the cheeks of the slumbering form lying in the bed. Anne grudgingly opened her eyes a crack and greeted the day by rolling over, pulling the pillow tightly over her head. It can't be morning. I just got to sleep. She just managed to fall back asleep when the sound of crashing shelves jerked her awake.

"YAH! YAH!"

"Mommeeeeeeeee!"

Anne groaned and kicked off the covers one leg at a time. She would not be allowed to sleep in today. Anne shuffled out into the hallway and headed towards the kitchen to start the coffee. She could hear Mary upstairs yelling at her kids. Anne got out the eggs and viciously started to cook.

Crack! Sizzle. Crack! Sizzle. Crack! Sizzle.

Charles came crashing into the kitchen with Walter on his back. "Good morning, Anne. Lovely day isn't it?"

Anne grunted something incoherently.

"I see you haven't your had coffee yet." Charles put Walter in his highchair and poured a cup for his sister-in-law. "Black, right?" Charles held out the cup enticingly.

Anne mumbled 'thanks' and took it from him. She sat down, took a long drink, and waited until it kicked in before she spoke. "Ahhhh. So what was the crashing upstairs? It sounded like a demolition team ran through here."

"Walter woke up this morning and decided he wanted to climb Mount Everest. He thought that the shelves were a good training ground." Charles tousled his son's hair affectionately.

Walter grinned. "Evwest!"

Anne smiled and took another sip of coffee. Mary walked in holding Charlie. "Oh good, you've started breakfast. I'm not that hungry today, Anne, so I'll just have a light breakfast."

Anne nodded and started dishing out everyone's food. Breakfast was normally the quietest meal of the day and only Mary had anything to say as she picked apart her chocolate-chip muffin. "We had a great time last night, Anne. I wish you could have been there. Frederick told us a lot about the Navy and some of the places he's been to. I hope he stays around longer, I really think that Helen would be perfect for him." Mary sipped her coffee. "Ugh this is bitter, pass the Sweet-n-Low, would you? Thanks. Anyway, I was thinking that we should all go to the beach today or tomorrow and invite him to come along. Would you watch the kids for us, Anne?"

"Now, Mary, I think Anne should come with us, she's not our nanny and besides the kids can come."

"I just cannot bear to see my poor Charlie getting hurt again. What if he drowns? He can't swim with an arm in a cast." Mary pleaded with her husband until they reached a compromise. The boys would stay with their grandparents and Anne would come along. "Is that OK with you, Anne?"

"Well, I…" Anne didn't have anything to do but a whole day frolicking at the beach wasn't for her. She burned too easily for that.

"Oh, come on, it'll be fun. Helen can get Tim Hayter to come with us." Charles tried his best to persuade Anne.

Mary scoffed at the idea of Tim Hayter tagging along. "He's no more than a rag tag child. I mean, really, he's majoring in History. What does he plan on doing with a History degree? No, I think you should let Helen decide for herself if she wants to bring him or not, and I can tell you, she doesn't." Mary pushed her chair from the table and stood up. "I'm taking the first shower." Charles swept Walter up and went upstairs to call his sisters and Frederick.

Anne sent Charlie into the living room and then cleaned the dishes off the table. In the other room the TV was turned on. Loud. Wiping her hands on a dishtowel, she went into the living room. She turned the TV down a notch or three and knelt down next to Charlie to watch the Roadrunner with him.

Ding dong.

Charles shouted downstairs. "Annnnnne! Would you be a dear and get that for me?"

Anne sighed heavily as she got up. She flipped the towel over a shoulder and opened the door. It was Frederick.

Anne stood still for a moment forgetting everything around her except for the man standing in front of her. He seemed startled to see her. For the first time she noticed faint lines around his mouth and eyes. He looks tired. Anne was wondering if he was getting as little sleep as she was, when Frederick cleared his throat and spoke.

"Good morning." The words came out a trifle forced. Anne heard the strained inflection, but she also heard the deep resonance and remembered what it was like to lay her head on his chest and feel the sound of his voice as he spoke.

"Good morning. Won't you come in?" Anne held the door open for him and led him to the living room. "The… the others are getting ready. Charles should be down in a few minutes." Anne hurriedly took the dishcloth off her shoulder and tried to think of something to say. At that moment Charlie wanted her for something so she knelt on the floor by her nephew.

Frederick sat down on the edge of a chair and looked at Anne. She had her back towards him, but he could see that she was not comfortable. He turned his head away and tried to gather his thoughts, but his eyes kept straying towards her figure kneeling gracefully next to the little boy. Her thick hair hung down her back and she was dressed in pajama bottoms and a tank top. She is thin, Frederick thought uneasily. Almost too thin. Hasn't she been eating? Frederick frowned. Anne was not the type to be concerned about her weight. He wondered if she'd been sick. "How is the boy?"

Anne turned around slightly; Frederick could see her dark lashes against her cheek. She tried to smile. "I think Charlie's getting along fine. It was a lucky break." Anne wanted to say something else but didn't know what else to say, except for I'm sorry, and I love you, and a few other endearments that seemed out of place. She kept her mouth shut and paid strict attention to Charlie.

Just then, pounding footsteps could be heard on the stairs followed by little Walter running into the room. Seeing his favorite aunt on the floor with his brother and thinking that they were about to play a fun game, Walter gathered speed and pounced on Anne's shoulders. Anne gave a small cry and tried to dislodge him but like every small child, he had a grip like steel. It was impossible for her to get at him and reasoning didn't seem to do much good either.

"Ouch! Walter Philip Musgrove, stop it! Walter, please, let go! Ow!" Anne tried in vain to keep his hands from pulling her hair but he liked playing horsy and he wasn't letting go. She was just about to stand up and risk another little Musgrove getting a broken arm, when she felt him being lifted up and off her back. She quickly turned around and saw Frederick sending Walter back upstairs. Anne quietly said 'Thank you' and pushed the strands of hair back out of her face. She felt her heart race but couldn't account for it. Frederick had only helped her as he would anyone, he didn't even touch her, so why did she feel so weak? Surely almost contact couldn't do that to someone.

Anne had just about decided to give up on Mary and Charles and head upstairs herself, when Mary came downstairs with apologies to Frederick for leaving him alone. She was gathering up her children to take over to their grandparents, when she noticed Anne. "You're not dressed yet? For goodness sake, you are the slowest person. We're leaving in about ten minutes, do you think you can be ready by then?" Mary's voice dripped with sarcasm. Charles came bundling into the room and started talking to Frederick, and before Anne could tell her sister exactly what she thought, she was rushed up the stairs and into her room.

Once in her room, she counted to ten and then changed into her shorts and shirt. Anne decided that it didn't matter what she looked like so left it untucked then ran a brush through her hair and pulled it into a ponytail. She was outside and waiting before everyone got back from dropping the boys off.

The chattering group came down the driveway in pairs. Mary and Charles were leading the way with Helen and Tim following behind. Lori was walking with Frederick, but to Anne's discerning eye there didn't seem to be anything special going on between them.

"Frederick is coming with us, Anne. You can go with Helen and Timothy." Mary's voice expressed her dislike of Tim very well. Anne would have preferred to take her own car, but thought that she needed some conversation to lighten her up. She hopped into the back of Helen's Volkswagen and belted herself in. Helen was a terror when she is behind the wheel.

Chapter 8 ~ Throwing Stones

Posted on Saturday, 05-Dec-98

Frederick leaned back and stretched his fingers in the sand, grabbing fistfuls and squeezing. They'd arrived half an hour ago and were waiting on Helen and Tim and Anne. He scanned the beach in search of them but didn't see anyone he recognized. Shrugging his shoulders he turned his attention back to the conversation between Charles and Lori.

Mary was starting to get anxious just in case there was anything in what Charles said about Lori and Frederick. They certainly seemed pretty friendly towards each other but that didn't mean that Helen didn't have a chance. She held up a hand to shield her eyes from the sun's glare. She peered down the beach. "Why are they taking so long? They should have been here by now." Mary sighed and put on her sunglasses before she squinted wrinkles around her eyes. Someone close by turned a radio up. Mary looked annoyed and pulled her hat over her eyes to try and block the noise as well as the sun's rays.

Mary looked around again and gave a triumphant, "There they are!"

It's a rainy afternoon
In 1990
The big city geez it's been 20 years-
Candy-you were so fine

Frederick glanced up and saw a graceful silhouette making it's way towards the party. The sun was making it difficult to see distinct features but he'd know Anne anywhere. He turned away quickly and looked out to sea. Frederick wished to Heaven that he were on float now. He hated this never-ending roller coaster that his emotions were on. He turned back around.

Beautiful beautiful
Girl from the north
You burned my heart
With a flickering torch
I had a dream that no one else could see
You gave me love for free

The delinquent trio tramped through the hot sand and caught up to the group. They had a cooler with them. Helen apologized for showing up so late, but Anne thought that they would get thirsty so they stopped for drinks at the store. Tim passed out the drinks to the thirsty sunbathers. Charles proposed a walk before eating lunch. Mary was not really happy at this suggestion; she didn't like to exert herself too much in the hot sun, but since everyone else thought it was a good idea, she had no recourse but to follow along. She stood up with the help of her husband and tied a sarong around her waist. If Charles was happy to see her starving, burnt, and exhausted then who was she to argue? She could content herself with those little criticisms to Charles that were so helpful to her well being.

Candy, Candy, Candy I can't let you go
All my life you're haunting me
I loved you so.
Candy, Candy, Candy I can't let you go
Life is crazy
Candy baby

Anne strolled along with Mary and Charles, letting her mind wander. She watched as Frederick engaged Lori's attention the whole time. Not that she expected him to be that man she once knew towards her, but some kind of acknowledgment would be nice. Anne sighed to herself at how absurd she was in thinking that Frederick would be motivated beyond common politeness as far as she was concerned. But still, she couldn't help but remember the time when he would brave every obstacle just to be near her. Frederick's behaviour to Lori was so different, so studied and stylized which contrasted sharply when compared to his behaviour to her eight years ago. It could only be described as conspicuous flirting. Does he do this for my benefit?

Anne could tell that he wasn't going to fall in love, but the chances were very good that Lori would fall in love with him sooner or later. She'd already developed a crush on him. Anne suspected that the girl would be head over heels, if Frederick's leave didn't end in a few weeks. She wondered if Frederick knew what he was doing.

I've had a hole in my heart
For so long
I've learned to take it and
Just smile along

Frederick was oblivious to the turbulent thoughts in Anne's head. He did his best to avoid any contact with her and stayed on what he thought of as safe territory. He walked with Lori and Helen and Tim, paying more attention to former than he was aware of. Most of the time he didn't really know what he was saying because his own thoughts were occupied with the lady ten feet behind him. But, suffice it to say Lori was pleased with his attention. He stooped down to pick up a small rock and sent it skipping over the water. Lori applauded the effort noting how many times it bounced and added that she'd always wanted to learn how to skip rocks when she was a child. Frederick immediately took the hint and lessons started that moment. Lori and Helen went scurrying over the beach in search of the perfect rock and before they knew it a respectable amount of stones were piled up near Frederick's feet.

"No, don't chunk it, just use your wrist and let it roll off your finger. Like this." Frederick demonstrated again. "See? It's all in the wrist."

After a few tries Lori managed to get a small rock to bounce twice before plummeting. She let out a triumphant cry. Frederick showed her how to throw larger objects.

"Size and shape don't matter, all you need is a smooth flat surface on one side." He tossed a large rock and sent it bouncing merrily along to the cheers of his eager pupil. Frederick reached down to get another one when something went whizzing by him, bounced the water eight times, skipping a final ten feet before sinking. He looked over his shoulder and saw Anne holding a handful of rocks. She sat down nearby and sent another one flying across the water.

"You've been practicing." Frederick said quietly.

"Some things you never forget." Anne managed to look him in the eyes for a painful moment before looking away. Please understand me, Frederick. She cast another stone.

Frederick swallowed. Why are you telling me this? Do you mean these rocks or me? What do you want me to do, Anne? Do you want me to fall down at you feet so you can rip me apart again? I won't do that. Frederick looked at the small rock nestled in the palm of his hand. "Yes, well, I suppose some people get a pleasure out of holding an object in the palm of their hand and then hurling it as far away from them as possible just as soon as the novelty wears off. You never can tell who would do that until too late. Wouldn't you agree?" He flung the stone hard as he spoke and got up, brushing the sand off his pants.

Anne turned red. She stood up and sent another rock flying, heaving it inches away from his head before it hit the water and bounced repeatedly. Frederick turned around and glared at her, defying her to say something.

"Must have slipped." Anne slapped her hands together to get rid of the sand and walked away. Jerk. You could at least try. Do you think I don't feel anything when you're around? Do you think I don't hurt when I see you flirting with someone else? Anne walked down the beach a ways before stopping to look out over the ocean, her hands clasping her elbows and the wind blowing in her face. I've dreamt so long of being with you again. And now you're here, but I can't make you see. And I don't know how to make you see. I can't make you love me again. But if I have to make you I don't want it. I'd rather remember what we once had than pretend we still have it.

Down on the street
Those men are all the same
I need a love
Not gaaa-aaaames
Not gaaaaames*

Frederick looked at Anne standing by herself. He could tell that she was upset and he knew that he was the cause. Something deep inside him wanted to go to her and tell her that he was sorry but he didn't budge. His pride was too unwavering.

* Candy by Iggy Pop with Kate Peirson (is that how you spell her name)

Chapter 9

Posted on Wednesday, 09-Dec-98

They walked on through the hot sand until they reached the grass-covered dunes. Anne's ankles wobbled and she decided that it was time to rest. She flopped down and stretched out covering her face with her arm to block out the sun. She lay there for a few minutes listening to the roar of the cars speed past amid the chattering of her friends. She was just about to get up and find her sister when she overheard Lori talking about her.

"… So I guess that Charles is happier with Mary than with Anne."

Anne's ears perked up. What had Lori been saying before that?

"You mean Anne and Charles were dating?" Frederick couldn't disguise the interest his voice conveyed.

"Oh, it was nothing serious. Don't think that Anne and Charles are doing anything improper. But he did have a bit of a crush on her years ago. I think they dated a little bit but nothing happened. He said something about her being in love with someone else, but he didn't say who it was. And Anne is such a private person that I don't think she told him. But, maybe I misunderstood Charles because Anne hasn't ever had a steady boyfriend.

"She doesn't see anyone at all?"

"Not that I know of. But then, Anne isn't the type to publish her private life in the newspapers. Now that I think of it, I'll bet Diane Russell might have talked her out of seeing Charles. I don't know if you've met her, but Diane can be very persuasive and Anne thinks the world of her. But in either case, Charles and Anne are friends, and Mary is his wife. Mary isn't so bad once you get to know her. She just has too much of the Elliot pride in her. Not as easy going as Anne."

Frederick and Lori had wandered off and Anne couldn't hear the rest of what was being said. She was relieved and a little mortified at the same time. She didn't hear anything bad about herself but she knew how Frederick would take certain parts of Lori's communication. Lori said that Diane had talked her out of dating Charles, which was entirely untrue, but Frederick didn't know that and given his experience with Diane and Anne's track record in taking bad advice, he probably took it as the gospel truth. Anne stayed hidden to give her cheeks some time to cool off. She wondered if Charles really had told his sisters that she was in love with someone else. She hadn't realized that Charles was so perceptive. She had always tried so hard to keep her feelings about Frederick hidden, but apparently she was more transparent than she thought. At least Charles didn't know who that someone was.

Anne waited a few more minutes before rejoining the rest. The sun was strong and Anne started to feel the heat too much. As she stood up, she felt dizzy and weak. She concentrated on walking thinking that she needed to find some shade pretty soon.

Frederick glanced back surreptitiously. Anne looked flushed and tired. She shouldn't be out here like this; she never could last very long out in the hot sun. He wondered why she came at all. She could use some water, Frederick thought. I can't just stand here and watch her drop. "Why don't we cross the street and get something to drink at that restaurant on the corner?" Everyone agreed and they headed for the road.

They got their drinks and were waiting to cross over again when they heard an insistent 'beep beep'. It was Sofie and Thomas in her little green hatchback. "This is a coincidence! It's a lovely day for the beach, is it not?" Greetings were exchanged, then the light changed. Sofie started to shift into first gear when Frederick stopped her. He spoke just as fast as he could over the agitated honking of the cars waiting behind his sister's car. The result of Frederick's conversation was that Sofie invited Anne to ride home with them. "You really look worn out and we would be happy to drop you off anywhere you need to go."

Anne was about to say 'no' when Frederick took her hand. His touch silenced her. He opened the door. Thomas leaned his seat forward to let Anne get into the back. Frederick handed her in, and before Anne knew it she was speeding down the PCH in the back of Sofie's car. She looked back and watched them cross the street safely.

"Thank you for the lift." Anne said quietly.

"Think nothing of it, my dear. Frederick said you were tired and it's not like it's out of our way." Thomas laughed at his joke.

Anne smiled back. For the first time she felt a tiny twinge of hope. She looked out the window and thought about what happened that day. She reflected on Frederick's statement about inconstancy, she considered Lori's gossip about her love life, but most of all, she thought about Frederick's touch and what it might signify. It'd been the first time they touched in eight years. She caressed the spot where Frederick's fingers rested. He still cared enough to know when she needed help and he acted on it. Maybe, just maybe, he would let his defenses down and she could win him back. It was possible. Anne thought about it as the car ride lulled her to sleep.

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