Posted on Wednesday, 20 January 1999

Once upon a time there was a bunny named Lizzy who lived in a grassy meadow in Derbyshire. Lizzy (whose code name was Vladivostok) was an undercover agent for the B.I.B. (Bunnies in Black), and her job was to scout the area cotton fields for enemy rabbits from other alien countries. One day as Lizzy was out hopping along her grim and sober way, she spotted something through her field glasses. She squinted and looked closer, and saw to her great horror that it was....

Wickham the evil Lizard King that ruled the underground Society for All Creatures Slimy and Mean (referred to as S.C.U.M. for shorter and more aesthetically pleasing reasons). The SCUM kingdom was rumored to be centered about the Wabash River over in the States. What could Wickham possibly be doing in this part of Derbyshire? While she was observing the slippery little devil, he passed by a large tree and suddenly vanished.

Alarmed by his disappearance, she hurried over to the tree. Since Lizards were not known for their magic powers as some of the members of SCUM were, she realized there must be a hidden door in the ground. Lizzy could see nothing of the like. Using her enhanced bunny senses, she detected a disturbance in the A.I.R. surrounding her. Pulling out her tricorder, she did a full scan on the area. What she found was a portal that was triggered by a spoken password. Now all she had to do was figure out what the password was.

"Oh, dear," she muttered, shaking her tricorder violently as the readings wavered and faded in and out. "Oh, dear d-d-d-dear dear dear dear...! This will never do. How am I to learn the password if I don't know from what megatron climate this portal is anchored?" (Lizzy/Vladivostok was a very grammar-conscientious B.I.B. and never used dangling prepositions.) She sat down on a nearby moss-covered log and thought, absent-mindedly scratching her ear with her left hindleg. She mused over her dilemma for several minutes, and at last she hit upon a BRIGHT IDEA. "Oh, of course!" she cried, leaping dramatically from her perch.

Unfortunately she slipped on the log and fell with an "oof!" to the ground. She was sorely embarrassed and took several moments to lick her wounds. "Well," she thought. "At least there was no one around to see me!"

Just at that moment she heard a voice call, "Excuse me, miss...but are you quite well?" She looked up; all at once the golden orbs of the sun broke across the sky in a glorious wash of light and, to the strain of a thousand violins which emerged from nowhere to play, "A Summer Place," she espied, coming forth on a beautiful white stallion, the most impressive, handsome rabbit she had ever seen. Her heart leapt--her eyes widened, and she was speechless. His figure was tall and fine; his fur was a light sable, and perfectly groomed. His paws were long and elegant, and gripped the bridle of his mount with perfect ease. His black eyes flashed in interest as they eyed her, and Lizzy, for the moment forgetting all about apprehending Wickham the Lizard King, blushed to the down of her pink nose and was very grateful she had worn her nicest black leather miniskirt to work that day...

He rode up in haste and dismounted with one graceful hop. He was even taller in person...although she fancied she didn't quite like his long sideburns. Still...wow, what a stud. She remembered it was her turn to speak, and stammered, "Oh! Why.. yes. I am quite fine. I was just... looking for a My-cott circular pattern on my tricorder in order to determine the megatron spectrum for a... oh, well. Never mind."

"I see," he said gravely. "Must you sprawl on the ground so? It looks rather uncomfortable."

"Yes, well--" she awkwardly hopped to her feet and attempted to look preoccupied with her work. "The My-cott circle reading on this particular tricorder works best when low to the ground."

"Oh," he replied with interest.

"You see," she continued matter-of-factly, "My-cott spins in low places."

"Oh," he said again. There was a dead pause, and then he ventured, "Well. My name is Darcy. Can I offer you any assistance?"

"No. Yes!" Her eyes widened. "Have you seen a SCUM citizen pass by here recently?"

He straightened and appeared rather affronted. "Madam, I assure you, if I HAD seen one of those disreputable members of our strata, I certainly would--"

"Yeah, yeah, okay," she said peremptorily. "But did you see a little green lizard with a metallic grey cloak scurry past?"

His eyes narrowed. "You mean, the one with the iridescent medallion and the bad 80's haircut?"

"Yes! The one who looked like--"

"David Bowie on an overdose of crank?" The tall, handsome stranger smiled down into Lizzy's hopefully upturned eyes. "Why, yes. I believe I did."

"And did you see to where he disappeared?"

"I believe...hmm. Well, actually, I believe he stopped nearby, muttered something about...hmm. What was it? Stoves...kitchens...counters...bowls...pots...That was it! He stood still, turned a circle once, touched his finger to his nose, and said in a very loud voice... 'Pots and lids!'"

No sooner had he spoken than a gigantic WHOOOOSH! arose from the ground, and in a rush of color and debris and sounds that would put even the most melodramatic Disney movie to shame, the two were suddenly thrown from the spot and taken up into a huge whirlwind that lifted them into the air, and around and around and around and around, until they landed at last....

In pitch darkness, unable to move! Something had hold of Lizzy's arms and legs, even her ears! Once again, she had to rely on her bunny senses to try and deduce where she was. She could feel the cold firm grip of the claws that had an unrelenting hold on her. They weren't hurting her though, that much she was grateful for. She could smell decay and rot which she WASN'T grateful for. Hoping that it wasn't another bunny she was smelling, she tried to ignore it. This was hard since she could hear the scurrying of rats too. This just intensified the already too graphic picture that was forming in her head. Nothing was stopping her from talking so she whispered for her new found companion to see if he was in the same predicament as she. "Hello? Tall sable and handsome! You in here?" There was no answer.

Then Lizzy could hear terrible foreboding laughter growing all around her. This laughter turned into singing. It was a tune by the group Hansen. All she could do was try to stay calm and wait for whoever it was to stop and make themselves known.

This turned out to be quite some time.

For what seemed hours Lizzy had to put up with the stench, the laughter and the extremely bad singing. Lizzy always found Hansen painful enough when sung well. This mystery person was the worst she had ever heard. Never had she been put through such excruciating torture! Her eyes began to water, her ears felt like they were about to fall off of her head.

At the point where she was about to break down and weep, her personal Hell was flooded by light. All she cared about was that the terrible singing had stopped. Instead of weeping in pain, she wanted to weep for joy! All other thoughts were blasted from her head. While she was regaining her senses, she was taken down from the wall and held in the middle of the room by two pairs of hands.

When she was finally herself again, she realized that Darcy, her "bunny in shining armor," was huddled in the corner, shaking form ear to toe. His eyes were glazed over and he was rocking back and forth, sucking on his thumb. He was guarded by a tall Preying Mantis aiming a stun gun at his pretty little head. Angrily, Lizzy looked around for someone to yell at. Standing at the head of her table she found Wickham.

"I must say, your lovely fearless friend over there is the most effective form of torture I have ever heard in my life. I couldn't have done better myself. That singing was even starting to disturb the rest of the compound. That's why we had to come down here finally. If it wasn't for that, you'd be standing in a pool of your own drool by now, I'm sure."

Lizzy couldn't believe what she was hearing. That beyond-horrendous noise had come from that lovely creature huddled in the corner? Her opinion of him was starting to sour a tad bit.

Wickham called her attention back to the moment at hand with a slap across the face. He was holding something in his right hand, she couldn't make out what it was. She didn't think she was going to like it though.

Wickham drew closer and closer to her. His eyes were coal-black, and her nose wrinkled in fear and repulsion as he slowly extended his hand towards her. Lizzy closed her eyes. This would not be fun....suddenly with a grunt the evil villain thrust something into her mouth. "Eat it!" he shouted violently.

Lizzy blinked. It was...a carrot?

"What are you doing to her?" cried Darcy's voice from across the dungeon. "Don't hurt her. Stop that!

"It's--okay," mumbled Lizzy through a bit of carrot. "He's pheething phe."

"What?" cried the near-hysterical rabbit. His voice was really high-pitched. No wonder he'd been doing Hanson, she thought with a shudder.

"I faid," she repeated, "He's pheeding me!"

"What?"

"Oh, crimeny, will you shut up, you dankish beef-witted bum-bailey!" cried Wickham in exasperation, turning on the hapless Darcy.

"What?" cried Lizzy and the mysterious hero at once.

"What did you call me?"

"I called you a reeky base-court jolthead, thou froward, rude-growing scut!"

Darcy attempted to pull himself up to his full height. This was unfortunately difficult to do because of his chains, but he made a noble attempt. "Well," he spluttered, "if I'm a...what you said I was...then you're a... a slithering coxcomb!"

"Is that the best you can do," sneered Wickham , "You dissembling, toad-spotted harpy?" Darcy cringed and flattened his ears against his back. Wickham advanced, leaving Lizzy staring after him, open-mouthed. "Thou weedy bat-fowling gudgeon! Pribbling tickle-brained measle!"

"No! Please, I--I'm sorry," stammered the Hansonite.

"Quailing flap-mouthed mumble-news! Fobbing ticle-brained giglet!"

"Wait!" Wickham approached closer and closer...

"Fawning unchin-snouted skainsmate!" he shouted, and suddenly brought forth from his coat another carrot, the end gleaming in the faint light of the prison. Before the rabbit could gasp in horror, Wickham plunged the carrot into his side. The hero recoiled, winced...and then blinked.

"I think you missed," he said.

"What?"

"Well, I'm not bloody bleedin', am I?"

Wickham peered around his hand. The end of the carrot was broken off where he had plunged it into the wall by mistake. "Blimey, you've done broke me carrot!" he mused. "Bugger!"

"Hey, no need for foul language!"

"Oh, you're right. Oh, well, what the heck, I'll just kill you the old fashioned way," and pulling out an Uzi, the Lizard King emptied two rounds of ammo into our hero.

Lizzy screamed. "You killed him!"

Wickham turned around. "Uh...well, DUH!"

Lizzy relaxed. Humor always helps in situations like this one, she thought. "Well...better him than me," she smiled. Wickham laughed. She laughed. Wickham laughed. She laughed. They laughed together.

"But what was that whole thing with the insults?" she asked him.

"What, that? Well, I bloody got 'em off the Web, didn't you know that? 'S the Shakespearean insult page."

"Oh!" Lizzy thought a moment. "So I guess you bombarded him, eh? Get it? Bom-BARD?"

Wickham cocked his head, and then burst into laughter once more. "I like the way you think, Vladivostock," he said.

"So do I," Lizzy replied suavely. "So do I."